Here is more of an excerpt from my book that I am working on…more writings on some of the beliefs that underly the disorder. Hope you can relate. You can always message me on Facebook if you have any comments. I have my EFT/counseling special on at Parallel Wellness right now. The price is only $80 for the hour if you book four sessions. Otherwise a single session is $125. Hope to see you at Parallel Wellness 4032321283
‘I am experiencing discouragement to such a degree that I wonder what could ever help me’ writes Jacques Martel
I have had many moments in my life where I have had that sentiment. Life presents many challenges and sometimes I do not feel up to the task of overcoming my challenges. I did not trust to share my thoughts and fears when I was growing up with anyone. In high school, I found it really tough at times. My circle of friends was small. My best friend was moody and inconsistent. One day, she was my friend and the next day she was best friends with someone else and I did not exist. I was so sensitive to that! I remember when the anorexia started it was because I had lost a best friend in my life, not to death, rather to the fickleness/inconsistencies of friendships at a young tender age. One day she was my friend, the next day she was best friends with somebody else. I did not know how to handle the emotional needs of my life at that time. They were overwhelming to me. I just buried them in my addiction which gave me relief for a short time. Somehow starving myself generated endorphins that made myself feel better.
Jacques Martel writes ‘I have an unconscious desire to disappear in order to bother the people around me as little as possible.’ I think I felt this way unconsciously when I was growing up. I must have sensed the degree of tension in my household and this anxiety caused me to feel great internal distress. I remember my Mom playing cello when I was about eleven years old. At that time, my Dad was working a lot because he was a specialist at the hospital. I remember my Mom ‘laboring’ over the cello. My parent’s house had a separate wing; their bedroom was at the end of a wooden staircase and behind a stone fireplace. Ghoulish sounds would come from the cello as my Mom, sawed back and forth, learning how to play it. I believe that she was in the depressed phase of her bipolar disorder. The fact that she was learning to play a very difficult instrument was ambitious. My Mom was always challenging herself and continually bettering herself in many ways. I have so much respect for my Mom. She is the most loving accepting person that I know. I feel so bad that I could not love myself enough so I would not put her through hell at that time. But that is what addicts do. They just try to manage their pain and anxiety with an addiction.
‘I am experiencing discouragement to such a degree that I wonder what would ever help me.’
I have felt this way at times but I equated this feeling with not feeling capable of handling the challenges of my life. It was a belief system that would come up ‘I do not feel capable of overcoming the challenges in my life.’ Over and over again, this belief would pop up in my life. This pandemic has brought forward this belief system again! Hence me exploring anorexia and its forgotten tendrils that still exist like a weed under my soil. Those beliefs are still there to some degree. These beliefs lead me to feeling backed into a corner and not feeling empowered enough to overcome my challenges. That was a time where I felt I had to rely on myself vs surrender my problem over to spirit or God/Jesus. I was not self aware or conscious enough at that time to turn my problem over to a ‘higher power’. I did not feel that the universe was a benign loving place that wanted the best for me, that I lived in a loving universe. I was believing in a God of the Old Testament- a vengeful God not a loving God that I believe in now. And I was not giving myself space and calm to come up with a creative solution for my problem. I was definitely a victim in my life at that time. I was so sensitive to the slights of others. I remember thinking at that time that I would stop eating as a way to express what I was feeling without having to give a voice to my feelings. I went to a psychiatrist at that time in high school. I hardly said a word to him but he did help me at that time. He helped me realize how important it was for me to assert myself. I did not have to punish myself for not being perfect by not meeting my physical needs of nourishment but that was what I was doing. I did not clue into that at the time. My self awareness has grown leaps and bounds since then. I am so grateful now that I take extremely good care of myself. My sister thinks I have orthorexia now but I am just aware of how important it is for me to take excellent care of myself. Having M.S. necessitates that. My health literally depends on it. I can honestly say I love and cherish myself now. I would never cause intentional harm to myself. I lovingly hold my inner child, as scared as she appears to be or feel. She is safe with me. I honestly feel that if you love yourself enough, you would never choose to harm yourself with an eating disorder.
Meditation always helps me to connect with the divine source when I am feeling fearful which is frequently. As soon as I sit down to meditate and pray about my worries, I start to feel calmer because I know that I am connecting with God. I know that turning your problem over to God is the answer always. Having faith when you don’t know what will happen in the future is terrifying for control freaks like myself. But that is what God requires a complete surrendering of your problem to God. Then you need to have faith. Faith is a muscle that you must use. If you have had past experiences which led you to not trust life, then you must develop that faith muscle and exercise it. That is all for now. I will write another blog on anorexia soon. Much love if you are struggling to overcome your disease, Dr. Robin 4032321283