Here is my last post taken from the next book I am writing. Hope you get some insights in to your own journey with anorexia.
Jacques Martel writes:
‘I continue to see my affective needs as and emotional needs as very great and I feel overwhelmed by them. I want others to fill me up and satisfy my needs. However, as I do not give myself that love that I need so much and I refuse my emotions and my sensitivity and my child like side, other people are just as hard on me. Becoming thin leads me to no longer feel any pleasures. I thereby cut myself off from all physical sensations related to sensuality or sexuality. I refuse the sexual stages related to my age, being unable to control them, so much that any attempt at sexual intimacy, discovery, and abandon with an eventual partner (absence of maturity) are almost futile.’ (I have felt this way at times in my life. I did not have a boyfriend until I was much older due to my Christian background I thought. I did not get married although I have had intimate partners in my life.) ‘Whenever I feel a need, I go out of my way to fill it to really nurture myself. I realize that I must be gentle with myself. I have to nurture myself in whatever way feels right. I trust my intuition will guide myself to fill my need as I feel fit.’
‘Gradually accepting my femininity, or my intuitive side and emotional side if I am a boy is essentially the first thing to resolve my anorexic condition’. I accept a certain sexual intimacy, feminine and even motherly (for I must learn to love my mother). I learn to love my body and I learn to love others. I go slowly, for it is a delicate situation where I must open myself to Love and to the beauty of the world. On each inspiration, I open myself up to more light entering me to fill up my feeling of inner emptiness. I choose life while ignoring what others may think of me. I give myself love, the gentleness I need, instead of expecting it from others: hence the true satisfaction and the inner joy.’
I have really struggled with intimate relationships. I have always been independent to a fault. I blame it on my career but I think it is difficult to lean into my partner without forming a dependence on them. Therefore, I maintain my independence to feel like if I have to rely solely on myself, I will be all right. I wish I had met my current partner a long time ago. Neither of us has kids but we feel like we would have had kids had we met when I was still fertile. Unfortunately, I had my last menstrual period when I was 46 years old. Autoimmune disease can affect when you go into menopause. I guess I matured late in life. I finally feel ready to have a family but I am 52. I have had to ‘collapse my perception’ otherwise I would drown in my grief over not having a family. I have to see where I ‘feel’ like I have a family. I care for my plants like they are part of my family. I love plants. I also care for my patients like they are part of my family. I also worry about my patients like they are part of my family. That is the downside of caring so much about people. Life carries on and you adapt as best as you can to the present circumstance. Love others and live in the moment as much as you can. Be grateful always and ask to be of service in this life.
This is my last post on anorexia with my latest excerpt from my book. I have a special on my EFT/counseling rate for the hour if you want to try a session right now it is only $80 vs $125 which it normally is. Hope to see you soon at Parallel Wellness. 4032321283