When I realized that my self esteem largely came from externals and was based on what I was achieving, I decided to spend time doing nothing. I wanted to see if I could handle the space of doing nothing. I wondered what that would bring up for me. Would I be a neurotic mess or would my compulsive nature take over in an effort to preserve my perceived sanity? I decided to stop being busy, stop doing and instead listen for the silence… listen for that tranquil pool that existed deep inside of me. In that silence, I would find a peace that I had not known before. Who was I when I separated myself out from my programming? I was someone that was, more or less, at peace. I wasn’t at peace in the beginning. I had to first get used to the space of being versus doing. After a time, I was surprisingly serene. I stopped listening to the voices that were telling me to do more, be more, achieve more… For a time, this silence caused me significant anxiety. Voices would fill the void of silence. I would hear voices inside my head shouting ‘Go for a run. You are lazy’ or ‘Get busy. You are not accomplishing anything.’ I would see the whip of self flaggellation hanging on the inner walls of my cranium, eager with the anticipation of being put to use. In reality, I wanted that whip to be put to permanent rest. I wanted to see how accepting I could be of myself existing in a passive space. For instance, I really wanted to be okay with just walking. Why couldn’t I allow myself to walk? Why did I feel that I had to be pushing myself so hard all the time? I wanted to see how it felt to just walk and contemplate and observe the beauty around me. I wanted to be receptive, to be in the feminine aspect of me versus the masculine aspect of me. How good it felt to be receptive! To allow versus actively seek. To soften into the passive space within me…I wanted to open myself up like a hollow flute and see what music would flow through me on its own accord with no evidence of my prior conditioning…